This Town ain’t Big Enough for Both of Us, Mom
The struggle of big city kids you haven’t considered.
“I moved to the big city ten years ago with a small bag and big dreams. I bid my parents farewell back in my hometown, hopped on a bus, and never looked back. Who’d have thought that a small-town boy like me would become…”. This sounds like something I would have said if I hadn’t been born and raised in a big city. While I’m proud of being brought up in the city, I would like to argue that I, as well as many other city kids, have been inherently denied the chance to reach our full potential because we grew up in a city. Come again?! Bear with me, there’s a very specific reason for that.
Context
The city of Tel-Aviv (TLV) is Israel’s equivalent of New York City. It is the financial and cultural capital of the country, where ambitious people from all over come to pursue their dreams. It is home to 450,000 residents, 70,000 pets, 4000 restaurants, 2000 startups, 1750 clubs, 81 galleries, 20 museums, and one me. Oh, and one mom.
Growing up in Tel Aviv I enjoyed everything that a big city has to offer, from culture to education. It only made sense for me to remain in TLV when I grow up. There’s nowhere else to go. Can you imagine a native New Yorker willingly leaving New York City? So here I am, in my early 30s, living in Tel Aviv with my partner and pet. My parents live (only) 5 blocks away.
My mother and I were close when I was a child, but as I grew older we gradually grew apart (emotionally, not geographically). It all began when I came out of the closet and my mom’s life script for me (or for her?) changed dramatically. It’s not drastically different from scripts written by other parents. The plan includes me getting married and having kids by the time I turn 30, but more importantly, for them to have grandchildren. I’m actually fine with this script and kind of want it, too (don’t tell my mom). The major difference is the intensity of my mother’s interrogation, complaints, and involvement in my life decisions only because we live so close. That unspoken lack of personal space, while everyone else in the city is free, is the problem that I wish to outline.
The Problem (aka The Gilded Cage)
Most people living in Tel-Aviv weren’t raised here. They moved to the big city from their hometowns. The space away from their parents, combined with the intensity of the city, enables these people to become their true, authentic selves. The change can be extreme, or it can be mild, but it is still a change. I, on the other hand, never had the chance to leave the nest. My mom is sooo close, always present. Therefore, everything I do involves my mom. It is a gilded cage where I (already) possess what so many people yearn for, namely, living in Tel Aviv but with a physical and mental barrier that keeps me from reaching my full potential. Again, take into consideration that you have an aging mother who judges or expects things from you (like all mothers do) but much more intensely since she’s always nearby. Sure, parents judge and expect stuff from their children, but from afar, you know?
Care for examples?
- Random encounters with my mom during romantic dates.
- Spontaneous calls from mom, asking if I have plans.
- Far more frequent ‘when will you give me grandchildren?’
- The expectation to visit every other day simply because we’re close by.
Moreover, every adult benchmark has been influenced by my mom. I often involve my mother in stuff that others do alone or with friends. Otherwise, I would have gotten that ‘are you doing this on purpose?’ question. It makes sense, I guess. She’s sooo close, why wouldn’t I want her help? Whether it’s furnishing a new apartment or driving me to the doctor.
Me, Mom, and Covid
Lockdowns did not ease the problem. While the pace of life slowed for most, mine was more intense. My mom, who is at home, was so bored that she used to walk under my terrace, since it’s within walking distance, and tell me that she could see me through the window. Talk about lack of privacy! As people couldn’t see their parents for months, I had no choice but to see them more often. ‘What else is there for you to do?’.
Though I want to make bold decisions about my life, I’m always hesitant of what my parents might say. They’re sooo close. I can SEE the disappointment on my mom’s face, not only hear it over the phone. Recently, I quit my job and became a freelancer. Mom’s first response was, “Oh, so now you have more free time, don’t you?”. NO! I mean, yes, that was the whole point. I need space, mother, but I can’t tell you that, can I?
Breaking Free
It’s a deadlock. My parents can’t change how they behave, and I can’t leave the city. Just thinking about it makes my heart pound. It would likely solve the space issue with my mom, but one could say it would be like running away from my problems. Not to mention the challenges it would add to my career plans. It’s more about how I deal with the situation and find my space in the city. I need to listen more to my heart and less to my mom (although she is mostly right). Now, how do I get there? I have dinner plans with my parents, I’ll think about it later…
